It's Vacation Bible School week. The Chief and two thirds of the natives go every night, either as instructors or instructees. Our Vacation Bible School is staffed by volunteers, and since we have a wedding looming large and it helps in minimizing the chaos to have one person keeping the home fires burning (bad analogy for Georgia in summer, I know) I only volunteered to take refreshments one night.
So I am home, with dishes in my sink and Becky's happy parting words ringing in my ears, "Good-bye Mom! I hope you don't get lonely!!"
Ahh. So sweet of her to care for my emotional well-being in this fashion.
But I wonder why she said that.
I wonder if she gets lonely. This the child who will go off and read for hours at a time with zero human interaction...wandering alone outside, collecting seeds from flowers, sitting in a tree, or painstakingly making "leaf cards" by pinning small interesting objects to large leaves with tiny twigs, who can just sit quietly for long lengths of time with her knees to her chin, observing her own toes. I don't see her as a person given to loneliness.
Neither am I. For I am a little like her.
Or she like me.
I can hardly remember feeling lonely, though I have been before.
I like being alone. It gives me time to think. And there is no end to the interesting thoughts there are to be thunk. And issues to ponder. And projects to plan. And dreams to dream. And memories to relive. And prayers to be prayed. And books to read.
There are so many nice things you can do when you are alone that do not work well when there are people around.
Most of my life is lived with people in close proximity. The wigwam is small and the natives numerous and getting bigger. And that is nice too. I love them all. I like them, too. And the happy noise and commotion of living is a joy of its own description. But it is a different brand of joy than aloneness joy, and I crave the latter if the former goes on for too long.
Jean Paul Sartre once said, "If you're lonely when you're alone, you're in bad company."
I think there is sometimes truth to that. But I think there is often more to it as well. But what? Why are some people lonely when they are alone and others not?
People speak of being lonely in a crowd. Clearly it in not solely an issue of solitude. My guess is it is not really an issue of solitude at all. It is feeling unknown or unloved. Those two factors, either together or separate, make us feel very lonely.
Vincent van Gogh once said, "A great fire burns within me, but no one stops to warm themselves at it, and passers-by only see a wisp of smoke.
You can hear the loneliness in his voice. The wistful wishing that somebody would notice. Would see. And stop. And enjoy his fire. Explore it. Find it fascinating. And pleasant. That someone would pull their chair to it for a long while. And then again, and again.
"The loneliness you feel with another person, the wrong person, is the loneliest of all." I don't know who made this observation, but it is so true. And the reason is, is because there is no knowing. No connecting. No loving. No liking.
But the connection you feel when you are with someone, even if it is just one or two someones, if it is pure and strong and good and real, that connection fills your heart always, whether you are with that person or not, whether you are in a crowd or whether you are alone. And you are not nearly as prone to loneliness, if you know you are both known and loved by someone somewhere.
Is that right? I think maybe it is. Maybe too simplistic?
I don't know for sure...and that is all the time I have to think right now because the dishes are still in my sink and the sound of car doors slamming will soon reach my ears.
For instance, in a crowd – a husband often looks for his wife. His wife often looks for him. A child often looks for their parent and a young person often looks for their friends. This simple “look” often comforts in a way of knowing that “we're in this together” or “we're leaving this together”. It's a quick moment, after one has found their loved or dear one in a the crowd and knows where they are, they often return to the conversation they are in or seek to enter into one if they are just arriving. It's a moment of finding your bearings or your gravity. After church, one hears the fathers ask their children “Where's your mama?” and the mothers asking those same children “Where's your daddy?”. We humans are relational creatures. Though solitude can be very comforting at times, when it becomes the norm, one is reminded that no man is an island – nor were we created to be. Try living in a place where you are one of very few or the only Christian..or perhaps even make that a little less drastic and be the only person present who is a cape-dress-wearing and veiled Mennonite..rinse and repeat for days, weeks and months on end. The stares are there EVERY TIME you enter a store or public place. The questioning glances never cease, though few will ask. Two (or more) people aiming for completely differing goals. The “gravity” is seldom present in such a “place”. Now, one can make the argument that we should always look to God in order to find our “gravity”, and while that is true – even Jesus had His friends and disciples. Sometimes He sought solitude with His Father, but even then, He often kept an eye on the whereabouts of the disciples. (Such as when they found themselves in the storm on the Sea of Galilee).
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure what the name of the study was, but one was ran to find out what people's most ideal “happy place” was. The only common denominator was that almost every single person's description was a place without any other inhabitants in the picture. We humans (especially mothers, quite often) long for the quiet or the solitude...but if the noise and makers of the noise did not return, the silence and solitude that once comforted becomes deafening and eerie. That deafening and eerie feeling is what it's like to find one's self “alone in a crowd” - unable to make the connections needed to find the “gravity” and how to even connect to it, even in a crowd (where presumably on should have greater chance of finding a kindred spirit). It's like entering into a room where you alone speak any English. Or, that's my understanding on the subject. :)
THANK YOU for taking the time to share your thoughts! I think you are very right. We must touch "emotional base" with the people we love now and then at least, or we do start feeling quite alone.
DeleteGreat blog post, Rhonda! God Himself said from the very beginning that it is not good for man to be alone. I think He meant something far broader than marriage. As Tiffany said, Jesus Himself stayed in close contact with other humans. The deepest need of humans is love. The most tangible way for us to sense and understand God's love for us is through the love of fellow humans. The way we know others love us is through their desire to know us. When that is missing, it is difficult to feel God's love. Out of that rises deep loneliness. No wonder God spoke so much about the need to love each other. It helps us know and understand God's love for us. A friend who works with homeless people said America's worst poverty is loneliness. Empty hearts hold a deeper hunger than empty stomachs.
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